HHS

Appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services: The Predator.



From the jungles of South America to the streets of Los Angeles, The Predator has served the health interests of (read: "tore spine from") literally thousands of individuals. While his political career got off to something of a false start after his losing campaign he fought against now-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in Colombia (or Bolivia. Whatever.), he has nonetheless perservered in true American style, taking his agenda to central Los Angeles, where he worked closely to reform the city's drug-ridden urban communities...to death.

The Predator will be bringing a rather radical approach to the Department of Health and Human Services. Our public health care system is a bloated, inefficient, fraud-riddled behemoth with an absolutely astronomical cost-to-benefit ratio. Every day we shell out millions in taxpayer dollars to individuals who are medically hopeless, walking liabilities. No more.

During my administration, the Predator will address Medicare and Medicaid's efficiency issues by trimming the fat. Literally. Mr. Predator will be on the ground every day, working hard to reform our broken system by stalking, murdering, and flaying hundreds of unfit and parasitic citizens a day, which will of course eliminate any need for the government to pay their way ever again.

I recognize that many individuals are concerned about the Predator's stance on abortion, where he occupies what is undoubtedly the minority position: the Predator is not pro-choice or pro-life, but decidedly pro-death. Some see this as a flaw. But I see it as exactly the kind of mold-shattering iconoclastic thinking that this country needs.

Update: Week Two

Mental Achievement! : Secrets of the Universe Unlocked!

So I finished Warped Passages this week - a pretty great read, although I think the explanation of symmetry/supersymmetry/symmetry breaking could have been a little more clear. But then again, it doesn't seem like a concept that's easy to communicate using simple words on a page. If you decide to pick this one up, a word of advice: if you don't get it, just keep reading and try harder.

What bearing does this have on my training, you ask? First: IT'S THE MYSTERIES OF THE EFFING UNIVERSE. Ask President Obama why certain particles have mass while others don't. Go ahead. Ask him. The answer will be "I don't know," and it'll cost twelve billion dollars. Give up, Mr. President? It's called the Higgs Mechanism. And that one's on the house, ya'll.

Second: see hilarity below.

Physical Challenge: X-Treme Progress

So now I look more or less like this:

(Fig. 1) Pictured: A harrowing crusade to purge weakness from the world starring Russell Crowe. Not pictured: Biz Markie.

Gym visits since the challenge began: 14.
Total weight lifted: Incalculable - 1 or 2 million suns.
Reps.
This week's weigh in: 181 lbs, which means I've lost a pound. I'm not quite sure where it went, but thanks to my understanding of quantum physics, I've included a crudely drawn Feynman diagram to explain my theory of what happened to it:

(Fig. 2) An O'Donnellon - a large particle of purely unwanted biomass (named after Rosie O'Donnell) - and Exercise annihilate into pure unadulterated rage, which converts into a virtual Megatron-Jack Bauer pair. The Megatron-Jack Bauer pair go out on the town, drink several whiskeys, find some strange, and annihilate back into rage, which then dissipates into a substantial jet of badassery, and I get my flexon.

Coming soon: Sun Tzu! Double appointment extravaganza!

Yippie-Ki-Yay

I almost didn't post this since it was incredibly obvious, but my pick for Secretary of Homeland Security is John McClane.



Now, I'm not so sure what makes Janet Napolitano so qualified for the position (I'm pretty sure nothing), but her outright inferiority to Mr. McClane can't really be questioned. Simply put, Ms. Napolitano hasn't put in over 30 years as a detective with the New York and Los Angeles police departments, and she has absolutely no idea what a TV dinner feels like.

Mr. McClane has single-handedly thwarted numerous terrorrist plots, besting Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons in the process. Given his blue collar appeal, his support from the conservative wing is strong, and he's practically a deadlock for the liberals, since as far as I know he's never even touched an Arab, and kills whites almost exclusively. He's never had much administrative experience, but his years of on-the-ground experience have helped Mr. McClane develop a style of leadership that could be described as any of the following: "rugged", "hard-boiled", "rough and/or tumble", "shoulder-to-the-wheel"...the list goes on.

Plus, in the words of Proposition Joe, the man has more bodies on him than a Chinese cemetary.

HUD

America, welcome your new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, straight from Bodymore, Murderland: Marlo Stanfield.



Mr. Stanfield began reforming the streets of the West Side of the Baltimore slums at an incredibly young age. After prevailing over the incumbent political machine of Avon Barksdale, Mr. Stanfield quickly established himself as a community leader. From day one, Mr. Stanfield has focused on building and growing a community network focused on satisfying the basic needs of the local indigents as well as providing training and employment opportunities to inner-city youth. Even in the face of overwhelming adversity from competing state agencies, Mr. Stanfield's various programs managed to produce staggering surpluses for his own administration. There can be no question that Marlo Stanfield will bring much-needed ambition and innovation to my cabinet.

That, and he stacks more paper than Kinko's.

In Review: Week One

All in all this was a hugely successful week, with my condition proceeding pretty well across the board. I expect to be at least Zachary Taylor level by August if I keep this up.

Physical Challenge
I've had no change in my weight - it's been a full fat->muscle transmutation. Six trips to the gym in seven days, weights were lifted, miles were biked. There have been no major physical milestones, but I'll post them as they come.

I have, however, completed a the Bonus Physical Challenge: Communing with Nature. Photo documentation and writeup are forthcoming.

Mental Challenge
I'll finish Warped Passages this week, and pick up Sun Tzu after that. However, I'm kind of at a loss about how to proceed. Anyone with great book recommendations, I'm all ears. In particular I'm looking at something on politics or economics, but really anything is in bounds. However, I'd prefer non-fiction, unless you have some particularly brutal or awesome literature in mind. (Yes, I've read Hamlet and Macbeth more times than is healthy.)

Cabinet Appointment: Department of the Interior
In the interest of protection the natural bounties of America, I've appointed perhaps the greenest possible candidate as the Secretary of the Interior: Archdruid Malfurion Stormrage.

He may be purple. He may be an elf. He may wear leaves and shit. But he may also shapeshift into a bear with fireclaws and manually remove your spine through your rectum. I know this pick may scare a lot of people. The Archdruid is about as radical as it gets, but I figured an appointment like this would satisfy, if not one-up those Whale Wars hippies.

Malfurion plays for keeps. Polluters beware: if you so much as litter, this man may emerge from his 10,000 year slumber to slaughter the entire lineage of your people before burning your bodies and much of the planet into fine black ash. He makes Captain Planet look like New Jersey.

The Secretary of Energy

I hereby appoint Remy Etienne LeBeau as the Secretary of Energy.

Admittedly, Mr. LeBeau has little experience in government or community service. In fact, in his early years, he engaged in decidedly anti-community service - namely theft, gambling, and whoring.

However, Mr. LeBeau is unique in that he is one of the few individuals alive who flatly disregards the Law of Conservation of Energy. As a result, Mr. LeBeau will be taking a hands-on approach to domestic energy policy. Literally. Since he charges physical objects with energy by touching him. I expect that his day-to-day operations will include the creation of raw kinetic energy that this country needs to fuel its dynamic infrastructure. And better yet, it's all clean and carbon free. You're welcome, Sierra Club. Of course, when he's not pacifying granola-munching "consultants", he'll be savagely beating Steven Chu into purpley submission. Or not, since Mr. Chu has extensive experience with lasers. Whatever.

Either way, Remy LeBeau was born and raised in New Orleans. Which means he probably lost everything he ever knew ever in all time forever in Hurricane Katrina. So if you don't support him you're automatically a heartless racist.

The Cabinet

It's been a few days since my last post. The reason? I've been training in space.

Many of you have addressed the concern that I'm one man, while the president is perpetually surrounded by a cadre of (pretentious) individuals. My response? I'm building my own cabinet.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be assembling my cabinet piece by piece. Not only will my cabinet be highly qualified, it will be the most deadly and kickass collection of executive officials the world has ever seen.

So, to kick it off, I'm nominating William Munny as my Secretary of Agriculture.



Unlike prep-school "Iowan" Tom Vilsack, Bill Munny knows exactly how hard it is to live off of the land. His is a tale of loss and adversity, but thanks to his never-say-die attitude, he was able to bring peace and justice to the township of Big Whiskey, Wyoming. After tragically losing his wife to smallpox in 1878, Mr. Munny eked out a living as a pig farmer, providing as best as he could for his two young children. And when that didn't work out, he got liquored up and killed everyone.

So what exactly does William Munny bring to my administration? Certainly he has guns, torturous memories, and a sweet duster. But his most valuable assets are experience, and a little thing I like to call "murder." America, welcome William Munny.

Looking forward: Friday's weigh-in.