Barack Obama...

...is not on my enemies list.

We give you a lot of hell, Mr. President. But to be honest, it's a hard job and I don't envy you. Hell, I doubt I'd be a better president unless I were sober. The truth is, you've actually had a pretty successful presidency so far. According to the latest Rasmussen, some 47% of your voters "at least somewhat approve" of the job you're doing! In other words, almost half of voters don't think you're completely ruining the country. Also, you've won a Nobel Peace Prize! Accolades a-plenty! Hey, maybe you and Al Gore and Yasser Arafat can get together and take a huge dump on Jews and all of humanity's technological progress. Sounds like fun!

And I know I've personally (and accurately) painted you as a narcissistic, condescending, arrogant, and indecisive elitist, but who wouldn't be in your shoes? Every day you have to work with a few hundred racist, knuckle-dragging, clinically insane, clueless, dwarflike bureaucrats. After all, you went to Harvard Law - A school so prestigious that it doesn't even bother grading its students.

But what really moved you off my list was when you completely bitched John McCain last week, reminding him that the election was over. Granted, I said the exact same thing about you after the State of the Union, but you're right for calling out the good senator on continuing with the disingenuous neocon conversion he suddenly and inexplicably underwent in '08. Respek knuckles/terrorist fist jab for you, sir. Congratulations.


Oh wait, yes he is.

Everybody's experienced this: You have two friends - everyone hates the first one and likes the second one. You're all at a party and the first one tells a joke that falls flat on its face and gets zero laughs. The second friend hears the joke, waits a little while, and repeats it to the same people, without changing the joke's contents, timing, or delivery, and everyone is in stitches.

Barack Obama is the second friend. Remember the aforementioned Nobel? In his acceptance speech he mentioned that while war was regrettable, it was sometimes necessary. Well, I guess that makes George W. some kind of fucking visionary. I also heard Joe Biden on CNN saying that a successful democracy in Iraq would be one of the crown jewels of the Obama administration. So I guess nation-building is a good thing now. And the escalation in Afghanistan - where have I seen that before? So far, Mr. President, your only successes have been achieved through owning up to other peoples' ideas. Much like that time I invented the printing press.

As for the Nobel, I'm sure you won that on the merits. There's absolutely no chance that the prize was awarded as a gesture of racial reconciliation from the most racist place of all time, Europe. (It also probably didn't hurt that you were waging a war against Europe's worst nightmare: Muslims.) You're back on the list, sir.


Also, sorry for the delayed update everyone. A short explanation: it's called moot court and it will crush your soul.