Double Appointment Extravaganza

I understand many of you had a problem with the brevity of my previous post. A new courage wolf for you:

Also, since I'll be out of town this weekend, I've decided to make a double cabinet appointment with extra bonus goodies. In making these appointments, I've decided to revive/duplicate an old department: the Department of War. Enjoy.

The Secretary of Defense - Brock Samson
Calling Mr. Samson's job "defense" is like saying the sun "burns". Sure it's technically correct but it's also an astronomical understatement. For those of you who don't know, Brock Samson is the elite OSI (read: vintage CIA) bodyguard for Dr. Rusty Venture and his family. Some warriors kill at will. Brock doesn't even put that much effort into it.

Brock has been a member of the military and intelligence community for decades, yet still maintains an impeccable golden mullet, and can bench press most nouns. In spite of his military background, however, the man is staunchly anti-firearm, and flatly abhors gun violence, mainly because guns are for cowards. Real men use knives. And cigarettes.

The man's qualifications are beyond question. Brock Samson knows the bloody enterprise of war better than any mortal, and has seen extensive combat in every possible corner of the earth. I once saw him beat a polar bear to death with a grown man, AND VICE VERSA. So while many may criticize Mr. Samson's administrative inexperience and his total lack of people skills, there remains the fact that he has single handedly dispatched several militaries. So with Mr. Samson at the helm, any national security threat will be met with instant and excessive force that it will make Kent State look like a Jonas Brothers concert.

The Department of War - The Emperor of Man
Have you ever wandered what a cybernetic grizzly bear would do to a classroom full of five-year-olds? Well, multiply that by about fifty and you'll get some handle on The Emperor's war-making prowess.

For some reason I'll never understand, The Emperor hasn't quite cracked the mainstream, so I'll catch you up quickly: Before his crippling injuries at the hands of his traitor son/general Horus, the Emperor was:
a) Immortal
b) Over twenty feet tall
c) Telepathic
d) The sole means of faster-than-light travel
Needless to say, these things together made him pretty good at killing folk. Kind of like as good as Jordan was at basketball, times as good as Tiger is at golf, multiplied by The Lord of the Rings, all to the Kurt Russellth power. See how his sword is burning like that? That's what happens when you slay the tormented and damned souls of millions with a single blade.
Anyway, around the order of ten thousand years ago, The Emperor was severely wounded in combat, prompting him to retirement on the Golden Throne, where his life support system is fueled by the daily sacrifice of one thousand psykers (read: mind readers). And while he remains withdrawn and fairly uncommunicaive with the outside world, The Emperor still organizes superluminal travel for the entire fleet of the imperium, and he's probably omniscient as well. Oh, and the mere whisper of his true name will cause a man to instantly go insane and flay himself with a rib bone he tears from his own chest. So yeah. I'd say he's the obvious pick for Secretary of War.

So now would probably be a good time to introduce you to hands-down the epicest body of fiction ever conceived: Warhammer: 40,000. In fact, I'm making it a homework assignment. Read up on that while I'm gone for the weekend. In fact, read until you run out of epic. If you can finish before the sun explodes I'll be impressed.

The United States Attorney General

Denny Crane

Explanations are for democrats.

Awesome Is a Synonym...for YOU!

If the lines at ATM's, checkout counters, and airport security are any indication of the intellect of the average American, I can confidently say that the Department of Education is a complete joke. The other day at the movie theater, I elected to buy my tickets from a machine to avoid the mouth breathing and knuckle dragging associated with the plebian masses that wait in the actual box office line. This was a mistake. The woman in front of me took around the order of eight minutes to buy her tickets. The first two minutes she spent completely befuddled by the mystical symbols written on the glowy devilbox in front of her. Then she proceeded to browse the movies and showtimes for another minute or so, because she apparently decided to purchase tickets before identifying the movie she wished to watch. And then the payment misadventure started. I won't go into too many details, but suffice it to say that she attempted to run her debit card through the cash slot, among other painful and hilarious failures.

I typically take a three step approach to these day to day pedestrian challenges: 1) Read instructions. 2) Do what instructions say. 3) Move along. It sounds simple, but I assure you, many people can't fathom it. Sadly, time and place are a mystery to many Americans with subhuman intelligence and worse judgment. And unfortunately, we live in a society so fluffy and plastic that these people can actually survive to adulthood. Personally, I blame our farcical public education system. People can't be this stupid naturally. If so, our ancestors wouldn't have ever survived the ice age (or dinosaurs, depending on how crazy you are). So, every time I listen to the better part of a Weezer album while waiting for the person in front of me to complete his ATM transaction, I'll think of you, Arne Duncan. Look at him in that photo. He has no idea what's going on. Completely oblivious.

So, more or less for the reasons stated above, I am appointing Courage Wolf as the Secretary of Education.

I know he's a bit of a dark horse and a complete outsider, but that's exactly what this department needs - a maverick outsider with an awesomely hostile disposition. Courage Wolf, the edgier sibling to Advice Dog, has built his career giving real-world advice to citizens of the internet. He has no method or discipline to speak of. No formal education. And probably rabies. But all this means is that he is untainted by the glorified daycare we call "public school." For years, Courage Wolf has provided real-world advice for every-day problems ("Dress your wounds in salt and bleach!" Thanks, CW! Now I know what to do for this nasty paper cut!), as well as more geopolitical and philosophical teachings ("The sidewalk is mine. Enjoy the lawn." Such is the tao of Courage Wolf. Contemplate it, and be well.) Other lessons include:

"Spit in her face. Moonwalk away."
"Kill the weak. Use them for fires."
"You! Fuck yeah!"

Courage Wolf brings to the table the radness and violence I believe is necessary to remedy the soft-mindedness of contemporary America. If you have any doubts about his capabilities, just remember this: "If there is no blood, you're doing it wrong." Words to live by, America.

Roll Out!

It should surprise no one that I've appointed Optimus Prime as Secretary of Transportation.

Qualifications: Spends much of his time as a motor vehicle. (Note: from the looks of it, this may also be true of Ray LaHood.) More specifically, Prime spends much of his time as a semi rig - the vehicle that forms the logistical backbone of this country. Sure he and the Autobots may symbolize our consumption of 24% of the world's oil, but they also symbolize the 28% of the global GDP we make by burning said oil. As a walking/rolling ode to American muscle and machinery, don't expect Prime to pursue a green fleet...or do. I'm not quite sure whether energon leaves a "carbon footprint", or, as I call it, "made-up fakeness."

Also, for those of you thinking that the DOT is a minor department, and that the Secretary is a minor official, and while that may have been true in the past, it stops now. Optimus Prime has been a role model and a leader in my own life. Throughout my childhood he bestowed the wisdom of ages upon me every Saturday morning at 9:30. There is no doubt that Prime is one of the preeminent minds of contemporary Western thought, and his contributions to philosophy cannot be overstated. I would like to share with you a few of his teachings that I find as timeless as they are inexhaustible:

"There is a fine line between being a hero and becoming a memory."
"We can't ignore danger. We must conquer it."
"Freedom is the right of all sentient beings."

Also, note that I didn't include an image of the Michael Bay CGI prime. I've chosen this image for two reasons: 1) I'm old school like that and 2) this one has much more gun. I hear my more liberal colleagues right now - "We don't want cartoons promoting gun violence!" "We hate the constitution!" "Organic couscous!" Well, you can all eat one. Every Obama cultist who has ever visited a shooting range has come back with a SEVERE case of gun fever. So don't even contend this point. Hypocrites.

HHS

Appointed Secretary of Health and Human Services: The Predator.



From the jungles of South America to the streets of Los Angeles, The Predator has served the health interests of (read: "tore spine from") literally thousands of individuals. While his political career got off to something of a false start after his losing campaign he fought against now-governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in Colombia (or Bolivia. Whatever.), he has nonetheless perservered in true American style, taking his agenda to central Los Angeles, where he worked closely to reform the city's drug-ridden urban communities...to death.

The Predator will be bringing a rather radical approach to the Department of Health and Human Services. Our public health care system is a bloated, inefficient, fraud-riddled behemoth with an absolutely astronomical cost-to-benefit ratio. Every day we shell out millions in taxpayer dollars to individuals who are medically hopeless, walking liabilities. No more.

During my administration, the Predator will address Medicare and Medicaid's efficiency issues by trimming the fat. Literally. Mr. Predator will be on the ground every day, working hard to reform our broken system by stalking, murdering, and flaying hundreds of unfit and parasitic citizens a day, which will of course eliminate any need for the government to pay their way ever again.

I recognize that many individuals are concerned about the Predator's stance on abortion, where he occupies what is undoubtedly the minority position: the Predator is not pro-choice or pro-life, but decidedly pro-death. Some see this as a flaw. But I see it as exactly the kind of mold-shattering iconoclastic thinking that this country needs.

Update: Week Two

Mental Achievement! : Secrets of the Universe Unlocked!

So I finished Warped Passages this week - a pretty great read, although I think the explanation of symmetry/supersymmetry/symmetry breaking could have been a little more clear. But then again, it doesn't seem like a concept that's easy to communicate using simple words on a page. If you decide to pick this one up, a word of advice: if you don't get it, just keep reading and try harder.

What bearing does this have on my training, you ask? First: IT'S THE MYSTERIES OF THE EFFING UNIVERSE. Ask President Obama why certain particles have mass while others don't. Go ahead. Ask him. The answer will be "I don't know," and it'll cost twelve billion dollars. Give up, Mr. President? It's called the Higgs Mechanism. And that one's on the house, ya'll.

Second: see hilarity below.

Physical Challenge: X-Treme Progress

So now I look more or less like this:

(Fig. 1) Pictured: A harrowing crusade to purge weakness from the world starring Russell Crowe. Not pictured: Biz Markie.

Gym visits since the challenge began: 14.
Total weight lifted: Incalculable - 1 or 2 million suns.
Reps.
This week's weigh in: 181 lbs, which means I've lost a pound. I'm not quite sure where it went, but thanks to my understanding of quantum physics, I've included a crudely drawn Feynman diagram to explain my theory of what happened to it:

(Fig. 2) An O'Donnellon - a large particle of purely unwanted biomass (named after Rosie O'Donnell) - and Exercise annihilate into pure unadulterated rage, which converts into a virtual Megatron-Jack Bauer pair. The Megatron-Jack Bauer pair go out on the town, drink several whiskeys, find some strange, and annihilate back into rage, which then dissipates into a substantial jet of badassery, and I get my flexon.

Coming soon: Sun Tzu! Double appointment extravaganza!

Yippie-Ki-Yay

I almost didn't post this since it was incredibly obvious, but my pick for Secretary of Homeland Security is John McClane.



Now, I'm not so sure what makes Janet Napolitano so qualified for the position (I'm pretty sure nothing), but her outright inferiority to Mr. McClane can't really be questioned. Simply put, Ms. Napolitano hasn't put in over 30 years as a detective with the New York and Los Angeles police departments, and she has absolutely no idea what a TV dinner feels like.

Mr. McClane has single-handedly thwarted numerous terrorrist plots, besting Alan Rickman and Jeremy Irons in the process. Given his blue collar appeal, his support from the conservative wing is strong, and he's practically a deadlock for the liberals, since as far as I know he's never even touched an Arab, and kills whites almost exclusively. He's never had much administrative experience, but his years of on-the-ground experience have helped Mr. McClane develop a style of leadership that could be described as any of the following: "rugged", "hard-boiled", "rough and/or tumble", "shoulder-to-the-wheel"...the list goes on.

Plus, in the words of Proposition Joe, the man has more bodies on him than a Chinese cemetary.

HUD

America, welcome your new Secretary of Housing and Urban Development, straight from Bodymore, Murderland: Marlo Stanfield.



Mr. Stanfield began reforming the streets of the West Side of the Baltimore slums at an incredibly young age. After prevailing over the incumbent political machine of Avon Barksdale, Mr. Stanfield quickly established himself as a community leader. From day one, Mr. Stanfield has focused on building and growing a community network focused on satisfying the basic needs of the local indigents as well as providing training and employment opportunities to inner-city youth. Even in the face of overwhelming adversity from competing state agencies, Mr. Stanfield's various programs managed to produce staggering surpluses for his own administration. There can be no question that Marlo Stanfield will bring much-needed ambition and innovation to my cabinet.

That, and he stacks more paper than Kinko's.

In Review: Week One

All in all this was a hugely successful week, with my condition proceeding pretty well across the board. I expect to be at least Zachary Taylor level by August if I keep this up.

Physical Challenge
I've had no change in my weight - it's been a full fat->muscle transmutation. Six trips to the gym in seven days, weights were lifted, miles were biked. There have been no major physical milestones, but I'll post them as they come.

I have, however, completed a the Bonus Physical Challenge: Communing with Nature. Photo documentation and writeup are forthcoming.

Mental Challenge
I'll finish Warped Passages this week, and pick up Sun Tzu after that. However, I'm kind of at a loss about how to proceed. Anyone with great book recommendations, I'm all ears. In particular I'm looking at something on politics or economics, but really anything is in bounds. However, I'd prefer non-fiction, unless you have some particularly brutal or awesome literature in mind. (Yes, I've read Hamlet and Macbeth more times than is healthy.)

Cabinet Appointment: Department of the Interior
In the interest of protection the natural bounties of America, I've appointed perhaps the greenest possible candidate as the Secretary of the Interior: Archdruid Malfurion Stormrage.

He may be purple. He may be an elf. He may wear leaves and shit. But he may also shapeshift into a bear with fireclaws and manually remove your spine through your rectum. I know this pick may scare a lot of people. The Archdruid is about as radical as it gets, but I figured an appointment like this would satisfy, if not one-up those Whale Wars hippies.

Malfurion plays for keeps. Polluters beware: if you so much as litter, this man may emerge from his 10,000 year slumber to slaughter the entire lineage of your people before burning your bodies and much of the planet into fine black ash. He makes Captain Planet look like New Jersey.

The Secretary of Energy

I hereby appoint Remy Etienne LeBeau as the Secretary of Energy.

Admittedly, Mr. LeBeau has little experience in government or community service. In fact, in his early years, he engaged in decidedly anti-community service - namely theft, gambling, and whoring.

However, Mr. LeBeau is unique in that he is one of the few individuals alive who flatly disregards the Law of Conservation of Energy. As a result, Mr. LeBeau will be taking a hands-on approach to domestic energy policy. Literally. Since he charges physical objects with energy by touching him. I expect that his day-to-day operations will include the creation of raw kinetic energy that this country needs to fuel its dynamic infrastructure. And better yet, it's all clean and carbon free. You're welcome, Sierra Club. Of course, when he's not pacifying granola-munching "consultants", he'll be savagely beating Steven Chu into purpley submission. Or not, since Mr. Chu has extensive experience with lasers. Whatever.

Either way, Remy LeBeau was born and raised in New Orleans. Which means he probably lost everything he ever knew ever in all time forever in Hurricane Katrina. So if you don't support him you're automatically a heartless racist.

The Cabinet

It's been a few days since my last post. The reason? I've been training in space.

Many of you have addressed the concern that I'm one man, while the president is perpetually surrounded by a cadre of (pretentious) individuals. My response? I'm building my own cabinet.

Over the next couple of weeks, I'll be assembling my cabinet piece by piece. Not only will my cabinet be highly qualified, it will be the most deadly and kickass collection of executive officials the world has ever seen.

So, to kick it off, I'm nominating William Munny as my Secretary of Agriculture.



Unlike prep-school "Iowan" Tom Vilsack, Bill Munny knows exactly how hard it is to live off of the land. His is a tale of loss and adversity, but thanks to his never-say-die attitude, he was able to bring peace and justice to the township of Big Whiskey, Wyoming. After tragically losing his wife to smallpox in 1878, Mr. Munny eked out a living as a pig farmer, providing as best as he could for his two young children. And when that didn't work out, he got liquored up and killed everyone.

So what exactly does William Munny bring to my administration? Certainly he has guns, torturous memories, and a sweet duster. But his most valuable assets are experience, and a little thing I like to call "murder." America, welcome William Munny.

Looking forward: Friday's weigh-in.