Awesome Is a Synonym...for YOU!

If the lines at ATM's, checkout counters, and airport security are any indication of the intellect of the average American, I can confidently say that the Department of Education is a complete joke. The other day at the movie theater, I elected to buy my tickets from a machine to avoid the mouth breathing and knuckle dragging associated with the plebian masses that wait in the actual box office line. This was a mistake. The woman in front of me took around the order of eight minutes to buy her tickets. The first two minutes she spent completely befuddled by the mystical symbols written on the glowy devilbox in front of her. Then she proceeded to browse the movies and showtimes for another minute or so, because she apparently decided to purchase tickets before identifying the movie she wished to watch. And then the payment misadventure started. I won't go into too many details, but suffice it to say that she attempted to run her debit card through the cash slot, among other painful and hilarious failures.

I typically take a three step approach to these day to day pedestrian challenges: 1) Read instructions. 2) Do what instructions say. 3) Move along. It sounds simple, but I assure you, many people can't fathom it. Sadly, time and place are a mystery to many Americans with subhuman intelligence and worse judgment. And unfortunately, we live in a society so fluffy and plastic that these people can actually survive to adulthood. Personally, I blame our farcical public education system. People can't be this stupid naturally. If so, our ancestors wouldn't have ever survived the ice age (or dinosaurs, depending on how crazy you are). So, every time I listen to the better part of a Weezer album while waiting for the person in front of me to complete his ATM transaction, I'll think of you, Arne Duncan. Look at him in that photo. He has no idea what's going on. Completely oblivious.

So, more or less for the reasons stated above, I am appointing Courage Wolf as the Secretary of Education.

I know he's a bit of a dark horse and a complete outsider, but that's exactly what this department needs - a maverick outsider with an awesomely hostile disposition. Courage Wolf, the edgier sibling to Advice Dog, has built his career giving real-world advice to citizens of the internet. He has no method or discipline to speak of. No formal education. And probably rabies. But all this means is that he is untainted by the glorified daycare we call "public school." For years, Courage Wolf has provided real-world advice for every-day problems ("Dress your wounds in salt and bleach!" Thanks, CW! Now I know what to do for this nasty paper cut!), as well as more geopolitical and philosophical teachings ("The sidewalk is mine. Enjoy the lawn." Such is the tao of Courage Wolf. Contemplate it, and be well.) Other lessons include:

"Spit in her face. Moonwalk away."
"Kill the weak. Use them for fires."
"You! Fuck yeah!"

Courage Wolf brings to the table the radness and violence I believe is necessary to remedy the soft-mindedness of contemporary America. If you have any doubts about his capabilities, just remember this: "If there is no blood, you're doing it wrong." Words to live by, America.