Also, since I'll be out of town this weekend, I've decided to make a double cabinet appointment with extra bonus goodies. In making these appointments, I've decided to revive/duplicate an old department: the Department of War. Enjoy.
The Secretary of Defense - Brock Samson
Calling Mr. Samson's job "defense" is like saying the sun "burns". Sure it's technically correct but it's also an astronomical understatement. For those of you who don't know, Brock Samson is the elite OSI (read: vintage CIA) bodyguard for Dr. Rusty Venture and his family. Some warriors kill at will. Brock doesn't even put that much effort into it.
Brock has been a member of the military and intelligence community for decades, yet still maintains an impeccable golden mullet, and can bench press most nouns. In spite of his military background, however, the man is staunchly anti-firearm, and flatly abhors gun violence, mainly because guns are for cowards. Real men use knives. And cigarettes.
The man's qualifications are beyond question. Brock Samson knows the bloody enterprise of war better than any mortal, and has seen extensive combat in every possible corner of the earth. I once saw him beat a polar bear to death with a grown man, AND VICE VERSA. So while many may criticize Mr. Samson's administrative inexperience and his total lack of people skills, there remains the fact that he has single handedly dispatched several militaries. So with Mr. Samson at the helm, any national security threat will be met with instant and excessive force that it will make Kent State look like a Jonas Brothers concert.
The Department of War - The Emperor of Man
Have you ever wandered what a cybernetic grizzly bear would do to a classroom full of five-year-olds? Well, multiply that by about fifty and you'll get some handle on The Emperor's war-making prowess.
For some reason I'll never understand, The Emperor hasn't quite cracked the mainstream, so I'll catch you up quickly: Before his crippling injuries at the hands of his traitor son/general Horus, the Emperor was:
a) Immortal
b) Over twenty feet tall
c) Telepathic
d) The sole means of faster-than-light travel
Needless to say, these things together made him pretty good at killing folk. Kind of like as good as Jordan was at basketball, times as good as Tiger is at golf, multiplied by The Lord of the Rings, all to the Kurt Russellth power. See how his sword is burning like that? That's what happens when you slay the tormented and damned souls of millions with a single blade.
Anyway, around the order of ten thousand years ago, The Emperor was severely wounded in combat, prompting him to retirement on the Golden Throne, where his life support system is fueled by the daily sacrifice of one thousand psykers (read: mind readers). And while he remains withdrawn and fairly uncommunicaive with the outside world, The Emperor still organizes superluminal travel for the entire fleet of the imperium, and he's probably omniscient as well. Oh, and the mere whisper of his true name will cause a man to instantly go insane and flay himself with a rib bone he tears from his own chest. So yeah. I'd say he's the obvious pick for Secretary of War.
So now would probably be a good time to introduce you to hands-down the epicest body of fiction ever conceived: Warhammer: 40,000. In fact, I'm making it a homework assignment. Read up on that while I'm gone for the weekend. In fact, read until you run out of epic. If you can finish before the sun explodes I'll be impressed.
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