A joke is a very serious thing.

And now we come down to the last one, and I know what you're all thinking. "Oh, what stupid video game/cartoon/B movie character are you going to choose this time?" Well, smartass, it's a real person this time. I am appointing Winston Churchill as my Secretary of State.

Although, I will admit, Winston Churchill isn't much of a real person. I mean look at him. Did someone distill my preconceptions of 1930's England down into a living, breathing person? Apparently so - and he was even elected Prime Minister. So yeah, I'm thinking he's kind of a made-up person. I mean if world leaders were stereotypical caricatures of the countries they represent, then any asshole in the world could be the next President. But on the other hand, Churchill did completely bitch FDR, and that's good enough for me.

For real though, Churchill's fame/wisdom seems somewhat overinflated and fictitious to me. He's perhaps the single most often quoted individual in the English-speaking world, and I always wondered why, since none of his quotes ever made any sense. Examples:

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on." Yeah, I guess.
"When the war of the giants is over the wars of the pygmies will begin. " Um...k.
"I always avoid prophesying beforehand, because it is a much better policy to prophesy after the event has already taken place." But that-
"Meeting Franklin Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like drinking it. "...gross.
"India is a geographical term. It is no more a united nation than the Equator. " Oh snap! Take it easy, WC. You can't just say that. You know they have the internet there now, right?
"Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives, I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement." WHAT!? Where did THAT come from? Well, I do enjoy explosions.
"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter." Hahaha, touche, Mr. Churchill. Touche. What ever happened to aristocracy, anyway?
"Politics are very much like war. We may even have to use poison gas at times." Explosives AND chemical weapons!? Mr. Churchill, I think we have a LOT in common.
"Socialism is a philosophy of failure, the creed of ignorance, and the gospel of envy, its inherent virtue is the equal sharing of misery." OMG! That's what I said!
"When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite." Holy damn! What a delightfully insane thing to say. You, my good man, have the job. Feel free to represent me in any matter.

And that's pretty much how I came to this decision.

Veterans' Affairs?

I'm not even sure what this department does, and I refuse to research it. But, based on the title, I've decided to appoint Connor MacLeod as the Secretary of Veterans' Affairs.

For those of you who are too pretentious or female to get the reference, it's from the Highlander. The premise is this: He is immortal, and he is compelled to wander the earth in search of other immortals so that he may decapitate them and steal their strength. Repeat until there is only one. There. I just explained The Highlander to you. If this is your first time hearing this, enjoy going to Starbuck's with your douchebag girlfriend/boyfriend.

Anyway, as a product of his epicness, Mr. MacLeod has been alive for several hundred years, and has seen him some pretty ridiculous shit. Including Sean Connery. So yeah, I'd say Mr. MacLeod knows well the ravages and aftermath of war. I can't think of anyone better situated to guide policy concerning how we should accommodate and honor the sacrifices of the bravest members of our society. ("WHAT? He DOES know what the department does! He DID do the research!" Of course I did, bitches! YOU GOT OBAMACHALLENGE'D!)

And instead of listing his qualifications, I've decided to simply include a few photos of people he's killed in single combat. (Note: That's a stupid idea. I'll just include three different pictures of The Kurgan, since that'll be three times as impressive.)







Next!

Work Smarter...

...not harder! Unless you're Congress. Then you do neither. And that's one of the MANY reasons I've decided to appoint Scrooge McDuck as the Secretary of the Treasury.

If you have no idea why I made this appointment, you're probably a Democrat, and you should probably read this. So let's go through the motions:

Currently, the treasury is run by this asshole, whose approach to the current economic meltdown is basically to print more money. Genius! Then everybody will have enough to buy a house and medical insurance and a third cell phone and-- what's that? A loaf of bread is $50,000? Oh, snap! I guess getting your economic policy from gamefaqs doesn't really work out in real life.

Enter Scrooge McDuck - the hard-working-Scottish-immigrant-turned-omni-industrialist. I'm not sure if he's ever held a government position, but you can be damn sure he's financed entire nations. The man makes it rain like Katrina (too soon?), and judging by the sheer number of mills, mines, shipyards, refineries, banks, factories, plants, farms, railroads, and finance companies he owns, he probably employs a workforce the size of Canada. In actual size, too. Not population. This duck is a true asset to the American economy, and an absolute patriot.

Now I hear the critics already, and I'll take each criticism (appearing in quotations below) as an opportunity to point out a strength or qualification.
1) "He's a rich pig who hordes his money." Bullshit. Nobody in this country with any amount of wealth hordes money. (See White People's Handbook, Chapter 12.) The only lump sums of cash you'll ever find lying around are in a four-year-old's piggy bank and the bindle of an illiterate migrant worker. The wealthy people are wealthy because they invest. You know - that crazy thing rich people do to take money and turn it into more money. It creates jobs and builds wealth. All economy ever is predicated on it. Of course, if you believe the vitriol of the present administration, investing in any sort of property or security (especially GM corporate bonds) makes you a particularly despicable pile of scum. Even though you're one of about 95 million Americans who own any sort of stock, bond, mutual fund, pension, etc.

2) "If he's not hording money, then how do you explain the big swimming pool full of treasure?" Please - full of INVESTMENTS. Those gold farthings are only a slice of the McDuck portfolio. Who says you have to lock that stuff up in a vault? He owns it - he can do what he wants. And yes there's cash in there. Ask anyone with an analog wristwatch - every investment portfolio should hold roughly 5-10% (up to 20% in a recession) cash to maintain flexibility and limit loss. Duh.

3) "He's a monster who makes his employees slave for hours for minimal pay." Oh, gee, I'm sorry he likes to keep his overhead down and make his businesses profitable. Hey, I've got a great idea - let's run McDuck industries like a magical paradise where the employees are paid whatever they want regardless of our earnings. I guess Scrooge and I are in the minority who think it's ok for companies to be motivated by making money. I'm sorry we can't all employ the UAW, and pay our workers full wages and benefits for working 30 hour weeks (assuming they aren't striking) and let them retire at 48 with full pension and medical for life. I know drug dealers and made men who don't have deals that sweet.

4) "But he-" Shhhh. He's only going to say it once. "I made [my money] on the seas, and in the mines, and in the cattle wars of the old frontier! I made it by being tougher than the toughies, and smarter than the smarties! And I made it square!" (Emphasis added.)

5) "(Anything remotely espousing something New Deal-esque.)" No. Mr. McDuck isn't a complete raving madman.

And since I'm on the topic of money, I'm appointing Michael Corleone as the Secretary of Commerce.

Since "commerce" and "jobs" only continue to exist in the academic sense, this department is mostly for show. However, with a 38% corporate tax rate and more restrictions and regs on the way, you can rest assured that the only way to facilitate commerce in the near future will be by doing something illegal. So if you can think of someone better suited for the job, you're wrong.

Plus, he straight up murders anyone he can't buy out, which is an obvious bonus when I'm considering cabinet members.

I LIVE!

A lot of you have expressed concern that the project is slowing down, that I've lost interest, etc. etc.

This is not true.

On the physical side, the Challenge is going at full speed. I haven't skipped a beat at the gym. Without my shirt on, I look pretty much like Sauron in the opening scene of Fellowship.

On the mental side, I've had to forgo the reading list, as I'm trying to get a jump on next semester. In a way, that's part of the challenge though - learning more than the President did in law school. Which was apparently nothing.

So yeah. I've been out of town/family stuff/working/etc. These are excuses. For the weak. I acknowledge that, and I apologize for the temporary failure on my part.

So, to make amends with my readers, who deserve nothing short of epicer-than-hell, I've decided to knock out the rest of my cabinet...TONIGHT!

Stay tuned, kiddos.

You Dog!

Thanks, Reuters!


More on this later. For now let me just say this: If you're challenging me to a woman-ogling competition, you have already lost.

The Death Stars Didn't Build Themselves...

...but a combination of military engineers, low-wage contractors, and slave labor did. This is why I appoint Emperor Palpatine, aka Darth Sidious to my cabinet as the Secretary of Labor.

The man has a number of qualifications - he has overthrown a galactic government or two, he turns the hearts of men on a daily basis, and he can SHOOT LIGHTNING FROM HIS EFFING FINGERS - but his experience in labor administration and organization is often overlooked.

Some years ago, or some time in the future (whatever), the Emperor's efficient implementation of the New Order allowed for the construction of some of the most impressive engineering feats ever produced, specifically the Imperial Fleet of Star Destroyers and two, yes TWO Death Stars. Maybe you've heard of them. How exactly did he do it? Well, a monopoly on everything everywhere is a helpful asset, and the ability to inflict horrifying torment and death on a whim is always a helpful way to motivate your workforce. But these things alone do not a world-destroying-mass-of-metal-and-lasers make. For that, you need Imperial Decree A-SL-4557.607.232. And what is that, you ask? Well for those of you who are too lazy to read the two lines I've linked to you, it's the galactic legalization of slavery for basically all non-humans.

Now I know what you are all thinking: "Isn't the institution of slavery completely repugnant and amoral?" Well, the answer is yes, BUT SLAVE LABOR IS EVEN BETTER. Personally, I can't think of a better way to cut costs. Even theft typically has a higher overhead, especially with the Thieves' Guild* now demanding medical and dental benefits. When you're paying a stale loaf of bread and four hours of sleep for every 20 hour shift, you're slashing labor costs like a Cat-o-Nine-Tails against soft, tender backmeat. And talk about results! Here's a list of just a few of the things slave labor has built:

All empires ever
Nike
America (Yes, the North, too. Like no one in New England bought rice, cotton, tobacco, corn, oranges, or soybeans before 1865. Cracker, please.)
The modern diamond industry
Harvard, probably

Now, I know what you're thinking. "But doesn't this make Emperor Palpatine a horrible racist, and taint your cabinet with supremecist sentiment?" Well, the answer to that question is a resounding "no." Any self-respecting student of the Sith would know that the Dark Side's tenants lie squarely in xenological culture, so racism is not only hypocritical, but counterproductive to honing one's dark Jedi skills. Imperial Decree A-SL-4557.607.232 wasn't motivated by hatred, but by labor demand! And granted, it may have had some adverse effects on race relations, but really, who's gonna run the show? Mon Calamari? That would be like having a Wookie accountant. (Man, the Galactic Civil Liberties Union is going to be on my ass about that one.)

And for all you readers who thought I would leave Star Wars out of the Cabinet: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

/nerdturnoff

* - I couldn't find "Thieves' Guild" on the Wookiepedia, but I'm assuming there is a thieves' guild in the Star Wars universe since there's one in every other fantasy universe of all time ever in history starring Viggo Mortensen.

Awesome Block

As you've probably reasoned from my lack of activity, I'm having a severe case of Awesome Block. It's like writer's block, but it's reserved for people who don't go to Starbucks. Anyway, as the name of the disease implies, something is effectively blocking my awesome, which is preventing me from making my last few cabinet appointments and getting on to the next project I've got lined up.

So, I'm asking for your help. That's right, groundlings, I need your input to round out my esteemed panel of closest advisors. The remaining positions include:
Secretary of the Treasury
Secretary of Commerce (now a subsidiary of the above, I believe)
Secretary of Labor
Secretary of Veteran's Affairs

You'll notice that I've left out Secretary of State. This is because I'm already eying someone who, for the sake of comedy, will probably need to be announced last. So, if you have any ideas, post them in the comment section to this post, along with a brief description of their qualifications. Disagreements with others (or myself) should be settled with battle axes. Close questions may be decided by an old-fashioned vote-off. (Yes, vote-off. NOT an election. The difference being that someone will win in the former.)

Don't be disappointed when I shoot down your stupid ideas. I've trained you better than that.