If you have no idea why I made this appointment, you're probably a Democrat, and you should probably read this. So let's go through the motions:
Currently, the treasury is run by this asshole, whose approach to the current economic meltdown is basically to print more money. Genius! Then everybody will have enough to buy a house and medical insurance and a third cell phone and-- what's that? A loaf of bread is $50,000? Oh, snap! I guess getting your economic policy from gamefaqs doesn't really work out in real life.
Enter Scrooge McDuck - the hard-working-Scottish-immigrant-turned-omni-industrialist. I'm not sure if he's ever held a government position, but you can be damn sure he's financed entire nations. The man makes it rain like Katrina (too soon?), and judging by the sheer number of mills, mines, shipyards, refineries, banks, factories, plants, farms, railroads, and finance companies he owns, he probably employs a workforce the size of Canada. In actual size, too. Not population. This duck is a true asset to the American economy, and an absolute patriot.
Now I hear the critics already, and I'll take each criticism (appearing in quotations below) as an opportunity to point out a strength or qualification.
1) "He's a rich pig who hordes his money." Bullshit. Nobody in this country with any amount of wealth hordes money. (See White People's Handbook, Chapter 12.) The only lump sums of cash you'll ever find lying around are in a four-year-old's piggy bank and the bindle of an illiterate migrant worker. The wealthy people are wealthy because they invest. You know - that crazy thing rich people do to take money and turn it into more money. It creates jobs and builds wealth. All economy ever is predicated on it. Of course, if you believe the vitriol of the present administration, investing in any sort of property or security (especially GM corporate bonds) makes you a particularly despicable pile of scum. Even though you're one of about 95 million Americans who own any sort of stock, bond, mutual fund, pension, etc.
2) "If he's not hording money, then how do you explain the big swimming pool full of treasure?" Please - full of INVESTMENTS. Those gold farthings are only a slice of the McDuck portfolio. Who says you have to lock that stuff up in a vault? He owns it - he can do what he wants. And yes there's cash in there. Ask anyone with an analog wristwatch - every investment portfolio should hold roughly 5-10% (up to 20% in a recession) cash to maintain flexibility and limit loss. Duh.
3) "He's a monster who makes his employees slave for hours for minimal pay." Oh, gee, I'm sorry he likes to keep his overhead down and make his businesses profitable. Hey, I've got a great idea - let's run McDuck industries like a magical paradise where the employees are paid whatever they want regardless of our earnings. I guess Scrooge and I are in the minority who think it's ok for companies to be motivated by making money. I'm sorry we can't all employ the UAW, and pay our workers full wages and benefits for working 30 hour weeks (assuming they aren't striking) and let them retire at 48 with full pension and medical for life. I know drug dealers and made men who don't have deals that sweet.
4) "But he-" Shhhh. He's only going to say it once. "I made [my money] on the seas, and in the mines, and in the cattle wars of the old frontier! I made it by being tougher than the toughies, and smarter than the smarties! And I made it square!" (Emphasis added.)
5) "
And since I'm on the topic of money, I'm appointing Michael Corleone as the Secretary of Commerce.
Since "commerce" and "jobs" only continue to exist in the academic sense, this department is mostly for show. However, with a 38% corporate tax rate and more restrictions and regs on the way, you can rest assured that the only way to facilitate commerce in the near future will be by doing something illegal. So if you can think of someone better suited for the job, you're wrong.
Plus, he straight up murders anyone he can't buy out, which is an obvious bonus when I'm considering cabinet members.
I'm disappointed in you d.
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